Pat Guppy's Beautification Tips - Part I

Few people realise that a mixture of minced tripe and chopped onions makes a wonderfully soothing face mask. Simply boil the tripe for the usual four to five hours, place into a frying pan with a handful of finely chopped onions, fry in lard for two hours, and then place in the refrigerator until chilled. Apply using a standard kitchen spatula, or a trowel, much the same as one applies one's make-up. Et voilà, a face mask that tastes and smells as good as it feels!

Would you believe that the very same mixture is a cure for haemorrhoids? Simply apply sixteen times each day for a month and the subsequent shrinkage is nothing short of a miracle!

And ladies, do you suffer from tired eyes, especially after studying correspondence from the Queen, or some other friend who is really more like a twin sister? There's nothing so soothing to a pair of beautiful baby blues than a couple of boiled turnip slices. Simply place over the lenses of your glasses and hey presto... instant relief!

Pat's Cordon Bleu Kitchen

From 'Pat's Cordon Bleu Kitchen', a new weekly column in Her Ladyshipness Magazine:

This week, as Christmas looms on the horizon and our thoughts turn to festive entertaining, I would like to introduce my devoted readers to a great favourite of my darling Benny's: tripe, chocolate and turnip trifle.

The recipe:

A lot of these amateur cooks will tell you to purchase only the freshest tripe, but this is a recipe intended for relatives so it's perfectly acceptable to make do with any old stuff.

Wash the tripe several times to rid it of particles of dirt, odd pieces of grit, and stray lumps of coal. It may take ten to twenty vigorous washings (if you utilise water that has been used for washing-up no more than three or four times) before the tripe is ready to be cooked. Boil the tripe for at least four to five hours in a stock pot of dirty water. Cut the tripe into pieces and then saute the pieces in lard.

Trim the turnips, chop into small pieces, and then steam until tender. Mix the sauted turnip pieces in with the cooked tripe. Separate the tripe and turnip mixture into two equal halves and line the bottom of a trifle bowl with one half of it.

Take sixteen 1 pound bars of milk chocolate - any 10p supersaver brand will do - and break them into pieces. Place the pieces into a saucepan and heat slowly over a low heat. Add one cup of double cream and a pound of sugar. Cook until the mixture is melted sufficiently for pouring and then add one half of it on top of the tripe and turnips. Add a dollop of whipped cream; enough to cover the chocolate layer, and then spoon on the other half of the tripe and turnip mixture. Pour on the remainder of the melted chocolate, add a second layer of whipped cream, and then add raspberries for decoration (preferably not those artificial wax ones as they tend to fool the old folks).

Bon apetite!

Chapter one preview on Scribd

I am always fiddling with widgets I find on the Internet, and as Scribd has been tweeted about so much on Twitter I thought I'd give it a go. So here we go... the first chapter of 'The Wonderful Demise of Benjamin Arnold Guppy', in a swish little display box for your leisurely perusal. You can, of course, view it in full screen mode... nobody expects you to go out and purchase a set of magnificatious peepers just to read an excerpt.

A new variety of turnip causes controversy

The Rare and Unusual Varieties department of the Sea View Fruit and Vegetable Growers Association has today announced that a new variety of turnip has finally been grown that is fit to carry the Benjamin Arnold Guppy name - the Brassica Benjamina Guppicus. The new variety is slightly larger than other turnips, with incredibly dense foliage, and it boasts the unusual ability to throw itself over walls when angered.

Two years of research have gone into the project, which cost in the region of a quarter of a million pounds. The development of this new variety was funded by the Sea View Environmental Preservation Fund, which has claimed that the turnip is close to becoming an endangered species in Sea View, in response to criticism from local residents that the environmental group, founded by Mrs Pat Guppy, is siphoning off local council funds for use in dubious personal projects that do nothing to improve the local area.

Grown in a mixture of porkpie pastry crumblings and peat in a Tesco's carrier bag, it has been appropriately nicknamed the 'BAG turnip' by locals. According to Mrs Phyllis Pennybetter, who is heading a local campaign to force an investigation into the environmental group’s use of council funds for the furthering of personal agendas, ‘the taste is rather like cardboard that’s been dipped in horse dung and it’s very unappealing to look at.’

‘The turnip is an important asset within the local community, just as my poor departed Benny was,’ Pat Guppy said, when faced with angry crowds who attempted to bar her entrance to her home at Hill View, on the slopes of Sea View, following the news announcement by the Sea View Fruit and Vegetable Growers Association. ‘We have already begun taking bookings from tour parties eager to view this fine new specimen,’ she continued, ‘and the Queen has promised to serve a ‘Benjamin’ the next time she has a candlelight soirée.’

Pat Guppy is twittering with glee

Pat Enid Guppy has joined Twitter and you can follow her comings and goings right here. Feeling that she is too remote from her numerous (in the millions being a conservative estimate) adoring fans across the globe, she is making this move in an attempt to connect with each and every one of them... as long as they are not common, love the Queen as much as she does, and are willing to support her campaign to have the bus shelter on King's Road in Hill View removed (as it blocks her view of Mrs Parsons' bathroom window).

Book signing - Weston-super-Mare

On November 19th, Waterstone's booksellers will be helping to launch late-night shopping at The Sovereign Centre in Weston-super-Mare by holding a book signing event. I've been invited to take part, so I will be there between 3:30 and 8:30pm to sign copies of 'The Wonderful Demise of Benjamin Arnold Guppy' (and 'Utamaro Revealed', if you have an interest in Japanese art as well as murdering your neighbours in cold blood). Do come along and say 'ho ho ho' if you're in the area.

Waterstone's Booksellers,
Unit 21-23,
The Sovereign Centre,
High Street,
Weston-super-Mare,
BS23 1HL.
Tel: 01934 642 588

The lost poems of Benjamin Arnold Guppy - Part II

Sold at a recent Sotheby's auction for a whopping great big £2.36, and now in the hands of a private collector. Reproduced here for the first time, I give you two more lost poems by the late Benjamin Arnold Guppy.

'Why Hast Thou Forsaken Me'

Why hast thou forsaken me,
When I love you oh so much,
How I long to feel you close to me,
To tremble at your touch.

Nights spent alone,
Without you snuggled up to me in bed,
Days spent alone,
In misery whilst prostrate in my shed.

I search for you when shopping,
Chase shadows down empty aisles,
Which causes me discomfort,
As I still suffer from piles.

No longer can I carry home,
Thirty pork pies or more,
Stuffed inside my coat pockets,
I'm lucky if I manage four.

Clasped against my bosom,
Milk bottles, bread and cheese,
Teabags underneath my hat,
Down my trousers, frozen peas.

I can't go on much longer,
Without you here at hand,
To carry home my shopping,
My twigs and the odd rubber band.

So come home little carrier bag,
Retake your place at my side once more,
I'll fill you up 'til you're fit to burst,
With pilfered goods from every town store.

Say you'll stay with me, little carrier bag,
That you'll never leave me again,
And that every so often you'll let me,
Use you as a hat in the rain.


'Ode to Pat'

Oh Pat, I knew the moment we met,
That you'd be the one for me,
Though, truth be told, I'd have married anyone,
Who offered sex without charging a fee.

You've never been a looker,
And you smell like year-old pee,
But you're crooked and mean with it,
So you're just perfect for me.

Your bosom, large and sometimes prone,
To knocking me about,
Your bald patch, bad breath, and occasional fleas,
Didn't put me off any more than your gout.

The years have passed,
And here we are, still married and battling lice,
And I take it as a sign of your love,
That you've only tried to kill me twice.

Benjamin Guppy takes on Birmingham

I was in Birmingham last Saturday, signing copies of 'The Wonderful Demise of Benjamin Arnold Guppy' at Borders in the Bull Ring. The signing was a special one for two reasons. Firstly, I was born and brought up in Birmingham, so going back was like going home. I've moved around a fair bit and currently live in Weston-super-Mare, but Birmingham will always occupy a special place in my heart. It's changed a lot since I left; I didn't recognise some parts at all. A couple of things will never change though... Birmingham is a very friendly city, and Brummies have an excellent sense of humour. It certainly was good to be back there.

Secondly, I broke my own signing sales record. My first signing with Benjamin Guppy was at Waterstone's in Bath (another city in which I once lived), and I broke the store's non-celebrity sales record. I was thrilled, of course. I thought it would be difficult to match that level of success, but the Birmingham signing went far beyond it. It seemed so fitting really... doing so well in the city I grew up in. I had high hopes, and I'm pleased to say that they were surpassed.

I'm currently working on the sequel, and I very much hope that it is as well received as the current book has been.

Pat Guppy's Guide to Interior Design - Part II

Previously published in the 'Splendiferously Important Homes of Her Majesty's British Isles' edition of Her Ladyshipness Magazine.

'How to dress your bookshelves so they achieve maximum impact when viewed from the street'

It is not good enough that those fortunate enough to be given an audience within the abodes of the elite be aware of the splendid nature of our interiors. We must also give some consideration to our standing amongst the common people. For that reason, no matter if it is day or night, we must keep our curtains open at all times. In the evenings, several lamps should be positioned near a window, so as to afford passers-by an adequate view of our formal rooms. Bookshelves should be positioned in a manner that allows the average individual, in possession of good eyesight, to appreciate the vast number of volumes present, thus securing his appreciation of our status as educated beings of superior intellect. It is not necessary that any book be read to achieve this effect; it is only necessary that books be present and that we make the effort, once a week at least, to stand near the window holding one as if it is being read. This is also a more than adequate way to observe the neighbours whilst appearing to be engaged in the pursuit of knowledge.

Now, you may ask 'what books should we place upon our faux-mahogany shelves?' The content, my dear ladies, is irrelevant. Any old books bought for a pound from a jumble sale will do as long as they have leather or cloth spines, as nobody will be able to tell the difference between trashy romances and the great works of our literary giants when viewed from the pavement if the spines have been correctly treated. The key is to rub off the titles, or paint over them, and replace them with ones more fitting to personages of our calibre. Here are some I prepared earlier:


Next time: Dressing to impress and the many advantages of owning a clipboard.

Pat Guppy's Guide to Interior Design - Part I

Previously published in the 'Splendiferously Important Homes of Her Majesty's British Isles' edition of Her Ladyshipness Magazine.

It is of the utmost importance that a lady decorate her home in a manner befitting her station in life. That is why, regardless of whether or not you dwell within a castle or a small terraced cottage at the back of beyond, if you are a woman of breeding you should always keep a freshly ironed Union Jack in the airing cupboard, on the off chance that a Royal Visit may be bestowed upon you, as it has in my case on more than two occasions.

The interior decoration of a lady's home should reflect her social standing, and be a place to exhibit her achievements, but should remain tasteful. The wall shown below was decorated by myself to imitate one I have at home. As you can see, although I am an accomplished and respected member of my local community and on speaking terms with at least seven Heads of State, in so much as I send them Christmas cards every year without fail, I have still given up one space in the top right corner for a portrait of my beloved Benjamin. A woman must never be so vain as to leave out her husband from her 'portrait wall' completely, no matter how ugly he may be.


The maximum size for a single portrait should be no greater than four feet in height, which is more or less the size of one I have hanging in pride of place in my own home; an image which has inspired more than one or two gasps from visitors over the years. Some gentlemen have been so taken with it that they've gone into a swoon or have become quite animated, although I don't believe for one moment that seeing it was the cause of Mr Dunster's heart attack, no matter how many times Mrs Cooper insists otherwise.

Next time: How to dress your bookshelves so they achieve maximum impact when viewed from the street.